I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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