Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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