yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
