we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
