Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
