I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
