OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
