If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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