Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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