i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
