so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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