You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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