thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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