I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
