I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
