why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize