you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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