Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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