Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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