Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
