You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
