I think i peed on brittanys purse
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
