The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
