Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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