Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize