She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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