A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize