How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
