i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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