I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
