she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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