i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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