There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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