i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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