god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
