You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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