i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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