I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
handjob tips. give me some.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
