Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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