Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
