i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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