No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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