he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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