you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
