he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
