I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
