she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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