Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
