On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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