I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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