Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it wasn't lemon gatorade
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize