im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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