i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
