the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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