yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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