Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize