I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
