I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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