I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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